Monday, August 2, 2010

OTL: Canada, the new Dallas

The winds of corporate whoremongering have swept us north this summer season to pluck sticky revenue from cool mangroves and generally assault a different populous with our empty promises and emptier moral ground. We sell like a fat man breathes: hard and only when requisite.
Lords in Canada
Niagara Falls. We approach any immigration line with the same caution Papa Smurf would a slice of blueberry strudel. Since we tend to live our lives generally tight roping your laws, we run through a mental checklist each time an authoritative representative stands in our path or on the back of our head.

In this instance, our mask of innocence proves too translucent as we are asked to kindly take a sharp left and park where that officer is standing. A bearded Canuck tosses our Corolla whilst another asks us really an exorbitant number of questions. We've got a script for his answers and one for the purple drank they rooted out (thank you Dr. Stolenpad!). Fortunately the tender palmed border monkey didn't locate the key of dat sniff taped to a Christian infant in the spare tyre housing.

"No sir, we were unaware of the child's addiction. We blame the schools."

We ease into the stench-rich city of Hamilton, ON for our first meeting. Most of what we learned about sales and marketing can be traced back to Nelly's debut album Country Grammar, so our style's raw and we mack like Todd Shaw. Singing loud, we from the Loop and we proud

Here it goes. We hate our customers generally. every ounce of acting and Xanax is poured into our performance in front of them whilst we mentally plan for the Apocalypse when we'd have an excuse to track down and kill them; something which we imagine would be fun at first, but, like anything, eventually would turn into a tedious chore.

The Canadian flavor of fuckstomer has a specifically dallas taste. While polite, EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGTHING is about how great Canada is compared to the US. It's a miserable blend of insecurity and misplaced pride. "How do you like our highways? They were designed to simulate the German Autobon." Amazing. We're amazed. We get it, you've got smooth roads and free healthcare and cheap pills, we've got pocky streets, HMOs and lil JoJo's markup on grainy Vike.

It reminds us of our Dallas friends who indiscriminately hate Houston and claim everything for Dallas. Sports teams, sushi, chicks, nightlife, water, gay clubs, talk radio, cocaine, skyline, latitude are all shinier or less cut with baking soda in Dallas.

Canada meet Dallas, Dallas, Canada. You two can go fuck each other.