Thursday, February 3, 2011
The cab driver escorting us to our next great triumph keeps singing ' it's okay' after every U turn and icy fishtail. We question his allegiance to the traffic laws of this socialist republic when he passes a caravan by racing through an adjacent car park. Its ok. Sure it is Laslov, our doubts reflect off your shiny forehead and back into our frightened cringes.
Achebrained from bosss' monologue surrounding a 3000 krona bottle of wine and too many expenses classed OTHER, we hold the phone up to Laslov's unsolicited reassurances . It's okay. Look sire, if you can find the one pep dealer in south Finway who takes chip n pin, then let us know. Till then, stop bringing it up, it's making us anxious.
We finally pull up to a medical device manufacturer you'd definitely recognize and thank Laslov with exact change. It's okay?
Our prep for this visit is mighty, our proposal, murderous and confidence, godlike. We are the Delta.
Stay warm loopsiders. See you soon
Monday, August 2, 2010
"No sir, we were unaware of the child's addiction. We blame the schools."
We ease into the stench-rich city of Hamilton, ON for our first meeting. Most of what we learned about sales and marketing can be traced back to Nelly's debut album Country Grammar, so our style's raw and we mack like Todd Shaw. Singing loud, we from the Loop and we proud
Here it goes. We hate our customers generally. every ounce of acting and Xanax is poured into our performance in front of them whilst we mentally plan for the Apocalypse when we'd have an excuse to track down and kill them; something which we imagine would be fun at first, but, like anything, eventually would turn into a tedious chore.
The Canadian flavor of fuckstomer has a specifically dallas taste. While polite, EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGTHING is about how great Canada is compared to the US. It's a miserable blend of insecurity and misplaced pride. "How do you like our highways? They were designed to simulate the German Autobon." Amazing. We're amazed. We get it, you've got smooth roads and free healthcare and cheap pills, we've got pocky streets, HMOs and lil JoJo's markup on grainy Vike.
It reminds us of our Dallas friends who indiscriminately hate Houston and claim everything for Dallas. Sports teams, sushi, chicks, nightlife, water, gay clubs, talk radio, cocaine, skyline, latitude are all shinier or less cut with baking soda in Dallas.
Canada meet Dallas, Dallas, Canada. You two can go fuck each other.
Monday, June 21, 2010
...to find an angry beeeeaaaaarrrr.
*Friends (n.) - Bun B, XXL white t-shirts, bullets and Hi-C powder mixed with cocaine.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
rod and a load of anti semitic phrases
the poker chips always get forgot
so Audi keys and barbiturates sit in the pot
stakes increase and senses get numb
it's midnight and Diesel has lost a thumb
vicodin antes and a master card bet
we play guts,anaconda and mexican sweat
carlos just wagered his fucking spouse
satan calls it with a monster full house
a few more pulls off that xanax and sprite
and surely someone is dying tonight
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Part of this shift is a maintenance of nature's fragile equilibrium, therefore:
Please join us in welcoming your newest Lord:
Gen. Roderick Boxhammer
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
So we go to Sugar Land like once a week to monitor our goings-on and mentor the savagely retarded that work in a network of beaver holes near the haunted Imperial Sugar factory off HWY 90. Lunch options in SL are like choosing your own form of capital punishment: death is inevitable, you're just left deciding the quickest methodology. That's why we ALWAYS choose the aorta kickers at Captains D's Motherfucking Seafood Kitchen to fill our souls with delight and our hearts with breaded whitefish.
Every Tuesday, the benevolent Capt'n D opens his treasure chest to share a bounty of $10 all-you-can-eat cod. You can bet the The Jenny Jones Show will be on both 37 inchers, which is fine, since the iodine overexposure gives you the lobotomy required to enjoy such daytime television delights. Take care, because it's slippery. Look, you don't use peanut oil at that clip and not have a thin coating of shine lathered over everything in looking distance.Just because our days in Sugar Land are long, doesn't mean our life needs to be.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
It's down to me, the way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me, the change has come, she's under my thumb
9. Voices Carry (Til Tuesday)
He wants me, but only part of the time
He wants me, if he can keep me in line
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
8. Untouched (The Veronicas)
I feel so untouched and I want you so much
That I just can't resist you, it's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now, need you so much
Somehow I can't forget you, I've gone crazy from the moment I met you
7. Boombastic (Shaggy)
I'm Boombastic rated as the best
The best you should get nothing more nothing less
Give me your digits jot down your address
I'll bet you confess when you put me to the test
I'm Boombastic say me fantastic touch me on my butt she says I'm Mr Boom...
6. Piece of My Heart (Janis Joplin)
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night
Babe, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again
5. Magic Man (Heart)
"Come on home, girl" Mama cried on the phone
"Too soon to lose my baby yet, my girl should be at home"
But try to understand....try to understand.
Try, try, try to understand...
He's a magic man, Mama...ah...he's a magic man
4. Big Poppa (Notorious B.I.G.)
Who they attractin with that line, "What's your name what's your sign"
Soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind
And ask what your interests are, who you be with
Things to make you smile, what numbers to dial
3. Red House (Jimi Hendrix)
There's a red house over yonder, baby, that's where my baby stays.
Well, I ain't been home to see my baby in about ninety nine and one half days ...
I might as well go back over yonder, way back yonder 'cross the hill
'Cos if my baby don't love me no more, I know her sister will!
2. One Week of Danger (The Virgins)
Well is there something that you like about her? Yes.
I like the way that her body bends in half.
And is there something that you love about her? No.
There ain't a woman in this world I wont let go.
1. You're So Vain (Carly Simon)
Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend
Nearly forty years later, people debate the identify of the barb-cocked lothario who inspired this tormented wailing. Well played, sir.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Woman leans back, quietly asks: Who dry cleans jeans?
Woman, mockingly: Right
Scrubs: Last name, ..., first name, Rayden.
Us to the room: We loved your work in Mortal Kombat.
If you are interested in purchasing the entire Such Great Washington Heights manuscript, please contact our agent: Kurt Stingpenis at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
- Murder Bowl at BRC, two IPAs, no tip
- Pick-up ketchup bottle at Randalls on Shep, pull fire alarm, tell manager that little brother is still inside/missing, leave
Former first lady not included
- Put a cool bill on the 'Stros to beat the Retardinals (+245)
- Spend remaining afternoon squeezing aliquots of ketchup into various vending coin returns ITL, The Exact Change Bandit Lives Motherfuckers!
- Meet at Kay's or Branchwater or Kenneally's, torpedo senses with Scotch, lose keys, mock guy in khaki shorts & docksiders, find keys, swear revenge on Tommy Manzella, punch someone undeserving, sleep with foot on brake.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sweet babies? Few
Time these Lords shall ponder
For brews there is Armandos
The fish tacos are divine
The Red Room shines with promise
But alas, it's only nine
Give it time, they say
And in walks the prey -- shiny, and new
But the bitch shields are steep like a castle keep
We will perservere
The battle is near
More scotch. More crown
More sarge. Get down
"For the price of a bottle
All this table can be yours"
"Um, fuck you, Jamison
Who needs these whores?"
Because the tennis is strong on the pirate ship
And we're VIP at the Mic. Sip Sip
Dont think for a moment that these Lords are through
You can't see us but we can see you
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
WAUGH is --
(1) Active ingredient in Bill White’s hair thickening shampoo;
(2) The maiden name of Webster’s biological mother;
(3) Title track of Snow Patrol’s latest Japanese bootleg release; or
(4) A dull flint tool used by Andy Roddick’s strength coach for encouragement.
Miss me? You can find me at the Red Room every Thursday night between 1 and 3 am.
Friday, April 30, 2010
But these are not excuses, and we acknowledge our sin. Even the Lords are not above the law -- well, except for Jude Law, obviously. We're above that shit sandwich like the frank's above the beans. But we're not above Man Law, and for our pennance, we are lifting our normal shroud of secrecy to share ten heretofore little-known facts about the Lords with our loyal Loopizens. This shit is explosive; please be discreet.
10. Bleach dies every night in his sleep. But he is always reincarnated as himself, only slightly better looking.
9. Diesel once bested a pack of West U collarpoppers using nothing but a hippie mind trick.
1. The Lords love things with seashells and seahorses on them, like blankets, and towels, and little bags.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Your crest and wattles are showing you dirty polygamous bastard
On track to be our go-to nesting place, this divine eatery fails to disappoint in any aspect. The walls are coated in divine red velvet ecstasy and the fine leather seats offer a free hand job with every dessert. Paradise awaits you if you aren’t chicken shit.
Congratulations to Jeff, Lance, Shepard and Lee on your newest grand champion cluck-cluck.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Amuse-bouche? Amuse-douche, also known as every single night on the Washington Shore. Coming soon to a NOX near you: Dancing With the Bores. What did you say honey? We can't hear you over the oontz oontz and the din of braying goomba. Hey bro -- do you speak retard? We said, do you have a playa card -- wink at the baby, wink at the baby -- cause we don't think you're allowed to wear that t-shirt without one. Can we borrow your friend? There's this really cool trick she needs to see. Hey baby, buy us a drink. Swoop -- and scene.
Next Wednesday is Spanko de Mayo. Three things you'll need to celebrate Lord-style: (1) an attitude the size of a BP oil slick; (2) a spanking device of your own choosing (we like a wooden spoon, but a bare hand will work if you cup it just so); and (3) a pocketful of excellence! No jimmies allowed. We call that improving the gene pool one swoop at a time!
Peace out playaz.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Congrat-u-fuckulations! Now move that shit out of my way so I can park my own fucking car. Keep your greasy, little paws to yourself and off of our luxury foreign automobiles.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
"Hello selling lots of military items us uniforms ww2 and newer about seven uniforms lots of badges on them also one original nazi banner very large will take 2,200 for all flag alone is worth at least 1,200 i paid 1,500 for the uniform alone over ten years ago. i also have lots of barn collectibles old saws one large cross cut several oil lamps, several cotton scales and other old scales i have over 1,000 in these items which i have collected around 15 years if you know how to ebay you can almost double your money i will take 2,800 for the whole lot. call me if interested 409 682 5634"
Did someone say barn collectibles? We decided to email our new friend in League City:
Dear Sir, we are very interested in your antique saws and other WW2 fanfare, are they still available? Can you give the estimated size of the uniforms? We are a 42 Long, any chance they will fit? How big is the flag (dimensions)? - Mr. Brown, inside the loop
His response in a day:
Mr. Brown, yes they are still available. the uniforms very [yes, we know] in size so you will need come and try them out. the flag is about 10X12'. please come look.
Great! 10X12 would make for great bed sheets for our son, he's a bit of a history buff. We'll bring a pick-up truck to get the antique barn treasures. Please have all these fine things out and available for viewing and ultimately transport. We assume $2,800.00 USD in cash is fine. We'll be down in LC on Saturday, we will call around lunch time.
His response this morning:
I don't appreciate waiting for your call all day saterday. I have the collectable all ready for you to pick up. Are you still interested?
(a) Truck down to League City with $2,800 in cash, try on all the uniforms, take pictures with the flag and get cold feet at the last moment.
(b) Email back that we are still interested, then email under a different CL user name and start a Fuhrious bidding war.
(c) See if he'll drive the stuff up and give him an address to a quaint home in the 5th Ward.
(d) Don't mess with a man in possession of ancient barn saws and Nazi flags, go get some low-cal Berripop instead.