Hurricane Bitch-Rating System

Fellow Loop brethren, as we enter a new season and autumnal weather change, we feel like it’s our firm duty to offer you a new rating system for your benefit. For far too long, the men of the of Loop have had a difficult time quantifying what we know as a typhooning bitch and we’d like to take this opportunity to offer our new warning/rating system for your practical application. At first blush, this seem not exactly PC or offensive to some of the slaves of the Loop, so we have a message for you: Piss off. If this makes you uncomfortable, go back to your Regis and Kelly Live to pontificate about the latest Sex and the City movie and whether Samantha will abort her baby in a NYC taxi.

She annihilates anything in her path

Without further ado here’s our system:

Tropical Storm: Every female enters this category after exiting her mother’s womb. This estrogen-spiked classification recognizes the general bitchiness and complaints spewed by the XX-chromosome members of the population. For the most part, has sympathy on your soul and allows the men in her life to remain close to her calmest side, namely the eye of the storm.

Category 1: Mild to average bitch with slight gusts of male bashing with her friends. Usually takes some egregious act to set her off. Isn’t likely to make landfall unless you actually forgot a birthday, hooked up with her best friend, talked shit to her Mom, you know something reasonable that men can appreciate why someone would be upset.

Category 2: Often the jealous type, but only exerts her bitchiness after consuming large quantities of alcohol.

Category 3: Has no sympathy for you having any contact with a person of the opposite sex, but otherwise acts fairly normal.

Category 4: Most of her damage is caused by the storm surge, namely her foot in your junk. She’s more likely to cause physical pain rather than pure emotional trauma. Is known for her tendency to stalk and obsess over ex-boyfriends. For the most part, these are not common and only appear every two or three years. If you see one coming, we recommend utilizing the I-10 evacuation route, changing jobs and moving to a new home.

Category 5: The shit always hits the fan with her. Straight. Up. Cunt. Seek cover immediately. Preferably, a bomb shelter. Don’t even think about talking back or offering an opinion to anyone in this category, they probably have more testosterone pumping through their veins in a single day than you have produced in a lifetime. You thought Hurricane Andrew did damage to your bank account? This one can totally wipe you out in a single fit of rage. May just be upset b/c she’s actually a closet lesbian, and unwilling to admit it to everyone else. Example Cat-5 celebrities: Lohan, J.Lo, and Speidi.

So men, go forth and classify and help your fellow slaves avoid a shit-storm vortex of bitch hell.