The Loop awoke this morning to a cold new reality -- the depeest freeze it has seen since Beyonce broke up Destiny's Child. Basic city services have ground to a halt as the gray-collar serfs scurry off to drain their pipes and wrap their plants in swaddling clothes. The beggars and bums have all gone home, toasty and warm in their 2/2 bungalows, heated with the dimes and dollars of naïve Houston motorists. Down at the 'Fold, the nipples on Sweet Caroline and her friends have grown hard as -- well, not hard at all actually. Those nipples haven't been sensitive to environmental stimuli since Clinton was in the White House. But you get the point. It's fucking cold.
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As for your Lords, we take this arctic blast for what it obviously is -- an ominous sign portending doom for the year that lies ahead. We woke up confused to find an empty bed, universal health care, and a hot tub encased in ice! What the what? If we'd wanted that, we would have stayed at Harvard. Something obviously went awry in the blackout we like to call … the second half of 2009. Judging from the meth pipes and nitrous balloons strewn around the living room floor, we hosted Burning Man. Hope we had fun.
Do we need a permit for this?So here's to starting a New Year inside the Loop. The Horns didn't win, but with a little luck, the Rockets will make the playoffs, the I-10/I-45 interchange will return to normal, and the new mayor will lez out with Victoria Osteen on the set of Great Day Houston.
Za tebya, comrades. Let's fuckin win in 2010.
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