Porch Swing Epiphanies

1. Sniffing Tide to Go Pens provides a much quicker way to get wasted than snorting Goldshlager

2. The symphony of urinals in the men's restroom is magical. Even Mozart would appreciate what is happening in there.

Be afraid, Tinseltown.

3. Metallic heart-shaped balloons do attract women. Especially when celebrating a maniversary.

4. If the bartender from the Porch Swing would have been present at the Alamo, the Texans would've walked away with an easy victory. We dare you to fuck with her.

5. Diesel's chest hair deflects stray bullets. To you common folks, it's known as Kevlar and woven into police vests.

6. There are many, many things we'd risk our lives for rather than watching Pay It Forward with commercials.