Friday (Thank Christ) Headlines

1. God bless the NRA: Some recently-without-steady-cooter dude barged his way into the apt. of a now-with-steady-cooter dude because the cooter he lost was the cooter the other dude gained. So the dude now-with shot his ass. Fuck yeah he did. We think tazing is more funny, but it doesn't change people's ways like a bullet does.

2. La Porte has herpes: We all knew this. But we really can't be reminded enough to stay away from the town heralded as having the most beautiful haze in Texas. We don't recommend visiting the website mentioned while you sit your unproductive stale asses in your personal hell hole HR calls "the office", although it would help pass time. But if you do, don't blame us when the tech cop rolls you. And trust us - keep out of La Porte.

3. Only 500K more: Now there's some good news! We think this is the point that the economy begins to get his ol' swagger back. A measly 539,000 more people are without a paycheck this month. That's so awesome!

4. Damn, we always had good luck with Emily's: But now we'll have to begin assuming at least 8 women in the bar are named Emma, which could totally confuse us when we talk to the cops the next day.

10,000 El Caballo bobbleheads are available on Saturday, cabrones. Since the 'Stros have officially gone Hoover Vacuum we'll be getting around 50 a piece as attendance is estimated to be about 200 including players.

Have a safe weekend.