Thursday, July 30, 2009

Back to the Future

When the hell did fortune cookies stop delivering messages about the future and start providing recommendations about how to live a better life? For example, take our fortune that we received today at Cafe Ginger (formerly Cafe Le Jadeite on West Gray): Take some time out for yourself. No shit, Sherlock. Thanks for the tip. Who's authoring this crap, Dr. Phil?def. fortunes (n). (1) things that happen or are to happen to a person in his or her life.
(2) (Idiom) tell someone's fortune, to profess to inform someone of future events in his or her own life; foretell. -- Really, it's not that difficult to comprehend.

Although we have fortune back-up at Magic Island, because it's been closed since Hurrican Ike, and the 116-year-old Guinness Book of World records holder for the oldest woman in Houston isn't going to be around too much longer, we anticipate that we will have to rely more heavily on the cookies in the future to give us clarity as to what lies ahead. Plus, MI Gypsy Lady is always having flash-backs about assisting soldiers on the battlefield at Antietam. Trust us, her shrills are colon-shattering. In short, we need you fortune cookies to pick it up a notch. And don't even think about blaming it on this economy. There are plenty of future-predicting contractors to go around these days.

On another note, the Tea Monkeys inside the Loop need to step it up too. We are tired of having to Gary Payton our drinks just so we can maintain the proper lemon and sugar to tea ratio. You monkeys are always so eager to keep our glasses filled to the brim, when you should appreciate how difficult it is to consumer that boiled Bayou leaf water without a little sugary citrus assistance. Going forward, please inquire whether we would like our glasses topped-off or we're going to shove the salt and pepper shakers up your nostrils. Attention restaurant owners of Houston, your are required to immediately implement Lords' Executive Order 593 requiring all Tea Monkeys employed by you to query whether your patrons would like their iced tea glasses refilled prior to execution of the pour. Any Loop-violators shall be purged of life by virture of complete submersion in a frothy bath of Kombucha Tea.

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