Thursday, January 21, 2010

Notes from the Never Never

Our weekly two hours of work are being put to the ultimate test as it's Quarterly Sales Meeting time, cuz! Can we get a fucking siren please!We're upchucking our miserable 2009 fortunes on to 16 digital slides and tomorrow we'll throw a nickel in the spaceship ride outside the Alpha Beta of our minds, as we stand in front of our peers and superiors wishing for simpler times.

Our 2010 sales bridge is fashioned from spider webs and soggy crackers. We'd likely strike a greater impression if instead we quickly ejacutate on a frisbee and hurl it into the crowd.

"Our 2010 forecast can best be described by Peter Gabriel in his song Big Time. Enjoy."

"Alright. Any questions?"

Work tomorrow. Scotch tonight/ It beckons...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wednesday Wrap

So we just barely gutted enough trout last year to keep our jobs on the kill floor of respective firms/companies/snakepits and in an effort to spin back into our normal lives of not being a child eating troll to capitalism we're here to tell you the goings on in your town and ours...

1. The Branch Water Tavern opened up a few months ago and since a broom stick through our mail slot pokes this touted establishment in the short ribs, we couldn't refuse paying handsomely for slices of undercooked duck served over minute grits. They have a large collection of brown liquior, though how they intend on using it seems up for debate.

2. We received funding for our new project where we rent out dogs for the day/weekend to people who like the idea of a mutt but cant keep to a heartworm schedule. Be on the look out for LOTL's Pimpa Bitch in your neighborhood. 3. House of Blues intends to host the reunion of the Goodie Mob tomorrow night and just in time for MLK Day. We'll be there. Now, if the despotic overlords at HOB could lure New Edition back together, we'd die happily.

4. Sorry ladies, Colt McCoy is engaged.

5. Historically Damaging Fact of the Week:
Florence Nightingale did not subscribe to germ theory and was also a serial nymphomaniac. She used filthy, filthy sex to heal dying solders during the Crimean War. This is fact.
Take it from FloNite and spread your meds!

Happy Wednesday Motherfuckers!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Happy New Year Bitches

The Loop awoke this morning to a cold new reality -- the depeest freeze it has seen since Beyonce broke up Destiny's Child. Basic city services have ground to a halt as the gray-collar serfs scurry off to drain their pipes and wrap their plants in swaddling clothes. The beggars and bums have all gone home, toasty and warm in their 2/2 bungalows, heated with the dimes and dollars of naïve Houston motorists. Down at the 'Fold, the nipples on Sweet Caroline and her friends have grown hard as -- well, not hard at all actually. Those nipples haven't been sensitive to environmental stimuli since Clinton was in the White House. But you get the point. It's fucking cold.
As for your Lords, we take this arctic blast for what it obviously is -- an ominous sign portending doom for the year that lies ahead. We woke up confused to find an empty bed, universal health care, and a hot tub encased in ice! What the what? If we'd wanted that, we would have stayed at Harvard. Something obviously went awry in the blackout we like to call … the second half of 2009. Judging from the meth pipes and nitrous balloons strewn around the living room floor, we hosted Burning Man. Hope we had fun.

Do we need a permit for this?

So here's to starting a New Year inside the Loop. The Horns didn't win, but with a little luck, the Rockets will make the playoffs, the I-10/I-45 interchange will return to normal, and the new mayor will lez out with Victoria Osteen on the set of Great Day Houston.

Za tebya, comrades. Let's fuckin win in 2010.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Our Fever

It's only getting hotter...

Goosebumps are normal.

Terrence Cody's mother is a ball return in a southeastern Mississippi LazerBowl. The height difference between Texas WR Malcolm Williams and Bama CB Javier Arenas can be measured in Nick Sabans.

We're going to get nasty with it. See you in LA.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Definition: WALK OF PRIDE (n.)

Walk of Pride (n.) (1) Departure by a young lady from the home of a Lord in the early morning hours. (e.g., She took a long walk of pride after exiting the home of Dick Swisher following an eye-opening night of coitus.) Antonym: Walk of Shame. Especially appropriate when a group of cougars exits a lair together, as in a pride of cougars.

Own it in 2010 bitches!

Happy New Year's!