Sunday, August 30, 2009

Porch Swing Epiphanies

1. Sniffing Tide to Go Pens provides a much quicker way to get wasted than snorting Goldshlager

2. The symphony of urinals in the men's restroom is magical. Even Mozart would appreciate what is happening in there.

Be afraid, Tinseltown.

3. Metallic heart-shaped balloons do attract women. Especially when celebrating a maniversary.

4. If the bartender from the Porch Swing would have been present at the Alamo, the Texans would've walked away with an easy victory. We dare you to fuck with her.

5. Diesel's chest hair deflects stray bullets. To you common folks, it's known as Kevlar and woven into police vests.

6. There are many, many things we'd risk our lives for rather than watching Pay It Forward with commercials.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Big Things

Counting down the minutes until our DSW/California Pizza Kitchen double header on Sunday. It will be an EPIC victory of biblical proportions in the form of Malaysian-stitched leather and cheesey mushroom delight. See you bitches there.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Top 10 Recent Porn Titles

10. TrannyFarmers
9. G.I. Hoe: The Rise of Cobra
8. Slobknob Millionaire
7. Taking Woodcock
6. Revolutionary Rod
5. The Curious Case of Benjamin's Bottom
4. Burn After Breeding
3. 3'10" to Uma
2. Marley In Me
1. Julie and Julia

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Looprivia Vol 4: It's not working out

Welcome back to another edition of the fungasm that is Looprivia! A game where you, the subservient troll, can spin the wheel of fate and win really the most atrocious set of prizes, all of which will surely burn down any semblance of the life you hoped to live.

Here is just a taste of what you could win:

- A trash bag of mushrooms picked off genuine Crockett, TX cowpies by D. Byrnes ( hand-drawn identification legend, indicating which species will yield tracers and which will make your insides burn with a taqueria green cholula fire not included).
- A Kaz Matsui autographed hemorrhoid pillow. Also, since he no longer requires them, you can have his Japanese baseball bats.
- The Garden Yeti
- Ernest Goes to Jail (1990) on VHS. Yes the epic.
- Breakfast in bed prepared and served on the crotch of Mr. Venezuela

If you believe by answering the following scantroids with precision will have you waking up to a scrumptious crab omelet and a direct debit account with the credit score plunderers over at Fingerhut, then you couldn't be more correct.

- Looprivia Vol 4: Gymbo Jones -
1. The sneakthieves running Crew Heath and Fitness out of Soma's kitchen on Washington play a mix derivation of something by Moby...
a. more than a gay singles' bar circa 1998
b. less than was played at Guantanamo
c. right now, and then later on in the hour
d. all of theses answers are tragically correct

2. There is a $20 entry fee at the 24 Hour Fitness on Post Oak due to its ratio of scrippers to non-scrippers. T or F?

3. The YMCA in midtown is a great place to...
a. push out a hernia
b. have your identity stolen
c. dodge the gauntlet of swinging Hemingway crotch in the locker room
d. All of the above and a staph infection

First to answer watches arguably the weakest Ernest movie in the comfort of their own cave. Good Luck!

Monday, August 24, 2009

monday blackburry haiku

just jumped the lunch bill
royalty pays it today
thank you sushi king

Friday, August 14, 2009

For Different Folks

We were reminded recently of the time when we were little and got in trouble because of The Different Strokes. We were playing pretend in Bleach's back yard, acting out the episode where Arnold got abducted by the creepy neighbor dude. Dick played Arnold, Bleach played Willis, Diesel was Mr. Drummond, and Carlos was the neighbor. Ed played Kimberly.

We were just to the point where Willis realized Arnold was in trouble when our friend Rodney showed up wanting to play too. So we told him he had to be Webster, and he was all like, "Yeah! Webster's dad was a football player!" And we were all like, "Fuck you Webster! Our dad owns half of New York! He owns your dad. Suck it!" Rod and Ed were just about to go maelstrom, but Bleach's mom heard all of this and grounded our asses. We called her Seaward. She was a funsucker for sure.

Anyway, we thought of this recently after we were on a plane with Honey and the flight attendant started giving his saftey spiel. He deftly fastened a seat belt, and then he told us "a complete list of unapproved electronic devices can be found in the magazine in your seatback pocket." So we looked it up. Cell phone, radio, TV...that all makes sense. But it didn't say anything about 14" vibrating big black cocks. So you can imagine our consternation when we pulled "Willis" out of the overhead and started working on Honey, and the flight attendant was all like, "Haaayyyy! You can't do that heere Mister!" Retard. Long story short, that airline does not understand what the word "complete" means.

So now, 20-some years later, it comes full circle. We were arrested because of The Different Strokes. Had to spend a night in jail. They let us have the big black cock though. Not talkin about Willis.
* Bonus points to the Loopizen who sources the borrowed joke in this post.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Vegas, Baby, Vegas

In two days, the Lords head en masse to Vegas. Sin City doesn't know what's coming. Highlights of our agenda:

1. Open call tryouts for Thunder from Down Under. None of us is Australian, but Carlos has dropped so much acid that he thinks he's from Oz.

2. Kidnap Danny Gans. Demand $1 million ransom. Settle for a free spin on the Wheel of Fortune and a fistful of drink tickets at Binions.

3. Round up a few cocktail waitresses, sneak onstage at Cirque du Soleil, and grease the pole.

What pole were you thinking of?

4. Play the Martingale system on the single-green roulette wheel at Monte Carlo. It could never come up red nine times in a row.

5. Foolproof plan for entertainment: couple of hookers and an eight ball!

Help us out Loopizens. What have we missed?