Friday, April 30, 2010


We slacked on our postings for a loooong, long time. Truth is, DB was in a coma from straining to play guitar using nothing but his cock. BB was in county for robbing a Licka Stoe. It took several months to convince the stoopid pigs that we own the Licka Stoe. EW had a six month internship as a gaffer with Vivid Video. Your own DS just returned from a peyote-infused vision quest in the remote jungles of Ecuador. And CV -- hell, no one's actually seen CV in six years. We just hear the war stories from the Washington Shore. "Did you see Carlos at Brixx last night? Mad mutha was going CRA-AAAZZZY."

But these are not excuses, and we acknowledge our sin. Even the Lords are not above the law -- well, except for Jude Law, obviously. We're above that shit sandwich like the frank's above the beans. But we're not above Man Law, and for our pennance, we are lifting our normal shroud of secrecy to share ten heretofore little-known facts about the Lords with our loyal Loopizens. This shit is explosive; please be discreet.

10. Bleach dies every night in his sleep. But he is always reincarnated as himself, only slightly better looking.
9. Diesel once bested a pack of West U collarpoppers using nothing but a hippie mind trick.
8. The water in Dick's pool is collected from the tears of baby unicorns. It heals what ails you, and increases penis size.
7. Ed has not eaten since 2005. He is nourished by the respect of men and the adoration of women.
6. Carlos bedded an entire pride of Palm Beach cougars in a single night. Those "ladies" still gather once a year to commemorate the last good rogering they ever will know.
5. Every Lord received more than 100,000 write-in votes for President in 2008.
4. When Diesel plays Monopoly, he never ever goes to jail.
3. OJ Simpson lives in Bleach's guest room. We call him Kato.
2. When Ed frowns, an earthquake happens. But every time he smiles, a kitten is born.
1. The Lords love things with seashells and seahorses on them, like blankets, and towels, and little bags.

Seahorses. Forever.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

BRC Ain’t No Hen House

Cock-a-doodle-do! Like a Red Giant perched on the thoroughfare that is Shepherd Drive, BRC is the new celestial beacon of light in the life of the Lords. Yesterday evening we had the pleasure of bathing our bodies in Maytag blue cheese mac & cheese and gargling Dr Pepper-infused floats to our royal-hearts’ molted with delight. Not since the days of the Great Cockfight of ’67 deep in the slums of Quito has a bird come out fighting with such miraculous force.

Your crest and wattles are showing you dirty polygamous bastard

On track to be our go-to nesting place, this divine eatery fails to disappoint in any aspect. The walls are coated in divine red velvet ecstasy and the fine leather seats offer a free hand job with every dessert. Paradise awaits you if you aren’t chicken shit.

Congratulations to Jeff, Lance, Shepard and Lee on your newest grand champion cluck-cluck.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

State of the Gene Pool - Spring Fever Edition

Spring is here, and we're out on parole. The weather in H-Town is nothing short of orgasmic. We erupted like Eyjafjallajökull just glancing at the crytal pool this morning. Fortunately we fuck like the Man from Fire Mountain, so that's only an appetizer. No, not even; an amuse-bouche.

Amuse-bouche? Amuse-douche, also known as every single night on the Washington Shore. Coming soon to a NOX near you: Dancing With the Bores. What did you say honey? We can't hear you over the oontz oontz and the din of braying goomba. Hey bro -- do you speak retard? We said, do you have a playa card -- wink at the baby, wink at the baby -- cause we don't think you're allowed to wear that t-shirt without one. Can we borrow your friend? There's this really cool trick she needs to see. Hey baby, buy us a drink. Swoop -- and scene.

Next Wednesday is Spanko de Mayo. Three things you'll need to celebrate Lord-style: (1) an attitude the size of a BP oil slick; (2) a spanking device of your own choosing (we like a wooden spoon, but a bare hand will work if you cup it just so); and (3) a pocketful of excellence! No jimmies allowed. We call that improving the gene pool one swoop at a time!

Peace out playaz.

Bonus quote of the week: Every time a fat chick manages to get laid, god smites a kitten. By sitting on it.