Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Top 10 Songs of the Alpha Male

10. Under My Thumb (The Rolling Stones)

It's down to me, the way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me, the change has come, she's under my thumb

9. Voices Carry (Til Tuesday)

He wants me, but only part of the time
He wants me, if he can keep me in line
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry

8. Untouched (The Veronicas)

I feel so untouched and I want you so much

That I just can't resist you, it's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now, need you so much
Somehow I can't forget you, I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

7. Boombastic (Shaggy)

I'm Boombastic rated as the best

The best you should get nothing more nothing less
Give me your digits jot down your address
I'll bet you confess when you put me to the test
I'm Boombastic say me fantastic touch me on my butt she says I'm Mr Boom...

6. Piece of My Heart (Janis Joplin)

Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night

Babe, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again

5. Magic Man (Heart)

"Come on home, girl" Mama cried on the phone

"Too soon to lose my baby yet, my girl should be at home"
But try to understand....try to understand.
Try, try, try to understand...
He's a magic man, Mama...ah...he's a magic man

4. Big Poppa (Notorious B.I.G.)

Who they attractin with that line, "What's your name what's your sign"
Soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind
And ask what your interests are, who you be with
Things to make you smile, what numbers to dial

3. Red House (Jimi Hendrix)

There's a red house over yonder, baby, that's where my baby stays.
Well, I ain't been home to see my baby in about ninety nine and one half days ...
I might as well go back over yonder, way back yonder 'cross the hill
'Cos if my baby don't love me no more, I know her sister will!

2. One Week of Danger (The Virgins)

Well is there something that you like about her? Yes.

I like the way that her body bends in half.
And is there something that you love about her? No.
There ain't a woman in this world I wont let go.

1. You're So Vain (Carly Simon)

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won

Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend

Nearly forty years later, people debate the identify of the barb-cocked lothario who inspired this tormented wailing. Well played, sir.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Such Great Washington Heights: scene 65

Such Great Washington Heights
Scene 65
We pull up to River Oaks Cleaners on Washington in a car full of fine linens & silk, like a modern day Marco Polo returning to the canals of Venice with fragrant curries and small brown slaves.
We heard Cova went out of business and recall on thoughts of what dildos the barstaff were the one time we overpaid for a small piece of Alexander Valley there. We make a silent wish that they are all struggling for rent money on this day and the next.
There is a budding line to the counter of ROC. A man in scrubs, our age, is sifting through most of his wardrobe with the accommodating Hispanic woman counting collars as he shuffles his Bugatchi shine from one edge of the Formica to the other. Separating him and us is a blond woman donning a pair of face swallowing sunglasses and badly wrinkled clothing of her own.

Woman leans back, quietly asks: Who dry cleans jeans?
Us back to the woman loud enough for all to hear: Probably someone who wears powder blue scrubs on their day off.
Woman, mockingly: Right
The scrubbed man, still rifling through his garb, turns to look at us with a sort of angered embarrassment. He turns back towards Hispanola and states his name and phone number.

Scrubs: Last name, ..., first name, Rayden.

Us to the room: We loved your work in Mortal Kombat.

And scene.

If you are interested in purchasing the entire Such Great Washington Heights manuscript, please contact our agent: Kurt Stingpenis at what!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Saturday TStorm Haiku

say fuck the weather
electric pool opera
still swimin' lawya

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wednesday To Dos

Mondays are the infant-cooking bandersnatches that poke at our joysockets and taunt wrinkled slacks. We reserve Tuesdays for a jelly bean assortmant of stolen pilldrugs and general mid to high cap shoplifting. On Wednesdays we work. Don't believe, mira...
To Dos (5/11)
- Two Sunrise breakfast taquitos and a med vanilla hazelnut coffee
- Call on a large healthcare account, listen to complaints about delivery/quality/attitude, pledge change/resolution/brimstone, take no actions
- Construct strategy to derail the May 21st occurings at Verizon Wireless Pampatheatre
"Hello critical mechanical failures, we'd like you to Meet Virginia."
- Draft dangerously threatening pay raise demand letter to boss, sign marketing horseface's name, stamp, mail
- 11:00 appointment with Gerri at Wachovia
a) apply for loan to market and manufacture our new product: The Odor Eracist*
b) don't mention her 6th digit and cleft tongue
c) DS to lather on the sexual charm if denied
- Remove hubcap outside nearby magnet school, replace with palm frons
- Murder Bowl at BRC, two IPAs, no tip
- Nap like a sweet kitten
- Finish thesis entitled: The Relevance of Synthesized Xylophinic Melody in a post Billy Ocean Musical Landscape
- Pick-up ketchup bottle at Randalls on Shep, pull fire alarm, tell manager that little brother is still inside/missing, leave
- Try on blue dial, gold Submariner at Deutsch & Deustch, lord over the cunty sales goon by pretending to be filthy, hairchested Greek yachting tycoon, attempt purchase with Chevron card

Former first lady not included

- Put a cool bill on the 'Stros to beat the Retardinals (+245)
- Spend remaining afternoon squeezing aliquots of ketchup into various vending coin returns ITL, The Exact Change Bandit Lives Motherfuckers!
- Meet at Kay's or Branchwater or Kenneally's, torpedo senses with Scotch, lose keys, mock guy in khaki shorts & docksiders, find keys, swear revenge on Tommy Manzella, punch someone undeserving, sleep with foot on brake.

*Patent Pending

Monday, May 10, 2010

Weekend Review

Slow weekend at the Mansion
Sweet babies? Few
Time these Lords shall ponder
"Really? You?"

For brews there is Armandos
The fish tacos are divine
The Red Room shines with promise
But alas, it's only nine

Give it time, they say
And in walks the prey -- shiny, and new
But the bitch shields are steep like a castle keep
"Really? You?"

We will perservere
The battle is near
More scotch. More crown
More sarge. Get down

"For the price of a bottle
All this table can be yours"
"Um, fuck you, Jamison
Who needs these whores?"

Because the tennis is strong on the pirate ship
And we're VIP at the Mic. Sip Sip
Dont think for a moment that these Lords are through
You can't see us but we can see you

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


You choose the correct definition!

WAUGH is --

(1) Active ingredient in Bill White’s hair thickening shampoo;

(2) The maiden name of Webster’s biological mother;

(3) Title track of Snow Patrol’s latest Japanese bootleg release; or

(4) A dull flint tool used by Andy Roddick’s strength coach for encouragement.

Miss me? You can find me at the Red Room every Thursday night between 1 and 3 am.