Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Lake House Waterside Cafe

This laid-back burger joint is the ghetto version of its haute, snobby sister-in-law, The Grove.
Nestled in the center of Discovery Green, it will surely keep the downtown drones and convention goers from having empty tummies.

The smokey burger is the antithesis of the movie The Lake House. Loaded with mushrooms, grilled onions and white chedder this is definitely my newest food addiction in Houston. It’s so kick-ass it’s like watching the Devil’s Advocate, The Matrix and Point Break all at once with a redacted Keanu. From what I’ve heard, the Kobe Beef Hot Dog also seems to be an H-town favorite. Wash it all down with Golden Yukon fries and a Coke Zero and you'll turn away from that Osteen cult to worship a new religion known as Burgerism.

Overall, considering the hard economic times we are facing, you’re much better off with grabbing a bite here than paying $17 for a sub-par burger and sitting in some trendy puke-ass-green Andy Warhol signature retro furniture at The Grove.

Watch outs: The lemonade is so sweet it’s like they threw Miley Cyrus in the blender and added a straw. Also, parking isn’t spectacular in this area, so be prepared to go curbside or pay the outrageous valet fee at The Grove, which might require a home equity loan. Plus, you probably have a better chance of running into Osama Bin Laden at an Oprah book club meeting than actually seeing your car again.

Very truly yours,
E.Wrath, Burger Connoisseur

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Chaise Lounge Review

Undoubtedly the new kid on the block of Washington Avenue, the Chaise Lounge often plays second fiddle to the trendy new Pearl Bar. (Seriously, I can only watch desperate horny divorcees hula-hoop for so long on a Friday night while drinking cheap ass beer.) However, the LOTL think this diminutive bar has some real character and promises to soon roar at the top of its lungs: I too can wreak havoc in this revamped ghetto!

For direct evidence of the magnetic force emanating out of this bar, one need look no further than our friend Glenn’s attempt to leave this bar. After pounding a few frosty Miller Lite’s and partaking in four lively rounds of Pub Quiz, a plastered Glenn staggered out on to the fetid streets of the crack-laced Washington Avenue in his polyester-patterned disco shirts and into a one of Houston’s most reliable rent-a-ride in an effort to “call it a night”. Glenn spewed a flurry of incoherent commands ordering his guide to drive him to his abode without further delay. The cabbie sped away as a barely-lucid Glenn lay secured safely atop its supple black plastic bench seat in the fetal position. “We’re here”, the cabbie mumbled to Glenn 90 seconds later. Glenn tumbled out of his yellow carriage.

“Home”, Glenn hazily murmured to himself as he frustratingly explored his jean’s pockets for his front-door key while images of his soft velour blanket and a sippie cup of warm milk whirled through his mind. Then, what he thought was his the entry way to his house, the door directly in front of him swung open suddenly vomiting out two of Houston Height’s lifeless souls it had once graciously taken in. Glenn took a shallow step backward to gain his balance and then plowed straight ahead through the mouth of the seemingly familiar looking building. Like Haley’s comet he had come full circle back to the bar to continue a night that had just begun. At this point, Glenn had to admit to himself that he just couldn’t fight this feeling anymore. He’d discovered the newest gem of the Loop, the Chaise Lounge and there was anything that could keep him from continuing his night of debauchery - not even himself.

Glenn, you are home and it’s called the Chaise Lounge.

Although eye candy is sorely lacking in this newly renovated bar, LOTL is confident that drunken, coked-up, twenty-year-old-something sluts will be spilling over from the Pearl Bar in short order. At this point, your best bet is to bring your own contingency to take advantage of CL’s intimate atmosphere and friendly service. However, this novel libation apothecary will always provide entertainment, whether you’re alone or with a covey of friends. Simply put, there’s no denying the allure of its sub-par air conditioning and homely vinyl bar stools. Not to go over looked, it also offers the always-popular MP3 jukebox.

The Lords of the Loop’s rating of the Chaise Lounge? Two rock-solid thumbs up.

Friday, August 22, 2008


What's happening this weekend inside the Loop? Well, it's Bleach Brown's birthday so the Lords are going out on the town to expand their collection of used crack pipes and bullet casings off of Washington Ave. Tonight's signature drink? Vapo-flavored martinis. Yes, it's all part of my selfish intent to bring back the rave.

Please God let there be an EK sighting tonight, otherwise my weekend will be a complete waste. Who's the least likely to date rape this evening? My money is on Val.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Introducing Us

Here at LOTL, we have a discrete network of authorities committed to keeping Houstonites advised of night-life goodness and other goings-on inside the loop and beyond

Promised topics of discussion will include, but are not limited to:

  • Weekly bar/restaurant reviews
  • Houston's best and worst bouncers selling cocaine
  • Who's hiring in the field of exotic dancing?
  • Which concert venue are you sure to be roofied?
  • Easiest grocery stores to steal from
  • How to survive in the downtown tunnel matrix while dusted on PCP?
  • The relevance of synthesized xylophonic melody in a post Billy Ocean world
  • Dirtiest bathroom inside the loop
More to come.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Gettin it started

You Ready Ron? I'm Ready.

Check 3:25
Michael Bivins is wearing eye glasses and sitting in a basketball hoop breaking down straight knowledge, son.

I think I counted 5 electric slides - a feat New Edition would never dare attempt.