Monday, March 9, 2009

FU FB!

That's it, we've had it. If we have one more acquaintance inquire whether we have a Facebook account and if they can add us as friends, we're going to drive a meat thermometer into their left eye. To convey our vexation with this dark matter shit hole of a website they call a "social network", we have decided to create our own exclusive site called SpaceBook. It takes the synergies of MySpace and Facebook to create the uber web-interface of cyber displeasure.

That's downright Louisiana-style dirty.

Here are some of the notable details you might receive as an exclusive member of our new faction. Details are still being negotiated between our director of IT BleachBrown and his arch-nemesis C.Venezuela.

1. There is no "friending" on our site. This means no random ass messages from that tone-deaf midget that sat next to you in your 4th grade Texas history class. His penchant for sharting and Garbage Pail Kids repulsed you then, why would you want to be reminded of him now? Instead of blocking, we will actually have offensive capabilities which will include the ability to deliver a system crashing computer virus to anyone that sends an unsolicited message. The last thing they will see on their computer before the blue screen of death will be a personalized message that says: "I have no interest in being your fucking cyber-friend, so go buy a new piece of shit computer because we just wiped your hard drive emptier than Joel Osteen's soul."

2. No audio or video. Our site will not have audio or video file uploading capabilities. We have zero interest in that montage of your summer associate recruiting trip to Magic Island or your Nicholas Cage National Treasure Halloween costume. BTW, we think that no sideburns look is so creepy, it's not even appropriate for the Day of the Dead.

We know. He paralyzes us with fear too.

3. No friend counts. Why? Because no one gives a flying fuck about the online nexus of alleged "friends" you have. We haven't even seen as many people in our entire life as compared to the number of interweb minions our work spouse has tallied. I swear it's like she's running some sort of Nigerian e-mail scam from her workstation just to inflate her friend count. Sure you know someone named Hakuna Matata. On SpaceBook, you can only be connected to the Lords, so get used to us because we are more contagious than a case of HIV incubating in a Peruvian street hooker. Double bag? You'd be better off wrapping your goods in diamond-plated kevlar when making a connection with us.

4. No status updates. We will have two statuses: Drunk and Almost Sober. If the words are appearing in 3-D, it's not some special feature we've created, you're probably still drunk and you should update your status accordingly.

Until we get SpaceBook ramped up, please feel free to reclaim your life by canceling that parasitic trove of sewage known as Facebook. It consumes your life and has eroded the fabric of your psyche. You'd be much better off feeding your ravenous appetite with random conjecture on LOTL. We even promise not to send you bothersome messages making sure you know that the Lords are playing Scrabble and listening to Wham! Facebook can kiss our ass, before we Go, Go! We're crossing our fingers and hoping that mesmerizing dance-happy George Michael will agree to participate in our Superbowl promotion airing next year.

Choose SpaceBook and the Lords!

3 comments:

Carlos Venezuela said...

BleachBrown is my bitch. -- CV

Bleach Brown said...

Good luck beating that rape case Carlos.

Dave Gonin said...

Hey are any of you guys on Facebook? What about MySpace? Can I add the Lords as a friend? LOL

Actually, you guys could probly pull in a bunch more traffic if you posted links to your blog posts on FB and twitter, but, whatever, to each their own. I actually admire your defiance, don't ever cave to the peer pressure to conform!! Fuck the naysayers!!!