LordsTALK - C.Venezuela

Loopostles - we're introducing a new feature where the Lords sit down with someone for an exclusive interview. We are fortunate to have our very own Carlos Venezuela.

LORDS: Carlos, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Carlos takes a long, deep draw from a thick Dominican cigar exhaling a sinewy jet stream of white smoke over his left shoulder. His black leather wrist cuff is slightly worn and his legs are crossed covering the strategically torn hole in his Rock and Republic jeans.

CV - I'm like an Old Spice commercial, half man, half beast. My mother was Nancy Reagan's social secretary and best known for her coining of the term "The War on Drugs". She was arrested shortly thereafter for running an opium factory three blocks from the White House.

It's still winnable.

CV - My father was a werewolf with a Vitamin D deficiency resulting from an addiction to the last season of Hogan's Heroes and honey roasted cashews. This may sound unbelievable, but I was conceived in the studio where Prince recorded Purple Rain, but have never met my folks nor seen Prince live in concert. I'm still wondering which I'd actually prefer. Prince has been one hell of a role model.

LORDS: How were you introduced to the Lords?

CV - Honestly, BleachBrown and E.Wrath found me face down in a pool of vomit in the middle of the dance floor at Sammy's after the club had shut its doors. They scooped me up, hosed me off, and I've been living out of a storage unit in 36 Sixty ever since. I owe them big time. Right now I'm just surviving credit card to credit card, but I've got this online cash gifting system thing that's guaranteed money. Two more weeks and I'll have my first money order, then it's on Diamond Club style.

LORDS: What's your favorite place for a one-night stand?

CV - Without question, Tipsy Clover. It's a guaranteed hook up for me after feeding a young co-ed three Pearl Lights, two roofies, and a line of Hydroxycut. They never remember a thing.

LORDS: Finish the following --

LORDS: If you could be anything in the world you'd be...

CV - Tiger Woods' cock.

LORDS: What's your favorite Giovanni Ribisi movie?

CV - Undoubtedly, Boiler Room, but his role in The Postman was brilliant as well.

LORDS: That's quite disturbing.

LORDS: Using a single video, summarize your approach to women --

Never gonna let you down. Utter bull shit.

Thanks again for sitting down with us for our first edition of LordsTALK. Carlos Venezuela, you are now off the hot seat.