Thursday, December 4, 2008

Dear Sunny 99.1

Dear Sunny 99.1,

First off, we applaud your monumental strides at maintaining the status of Houston radio's pink retarded baby koala. Forced, by the mongrels who work amongst us, to listen to your trite pop selections at work we have no complaints; sometimes you even drop an unannounced Chris Isaak* buzz-saw on us and it takes all our strength not to roll around on the office floor in a crude display of jubilance. Occasionally, when its A Morning in Studio with Dido, we contemplate drowning desk radios in broken urinals, but for the most part, we okay.

There is something troubling us today though:

Christmas Conga by Cyndi Lauper
Last Christmas by Wham!**
Merry Christmas with Love by Clay Aiken
White Christmas by Michael Bolton
8 Days of Christmas by Destiny's Child
This One's for the Children by The New Kids on the Block

All in one hour? Surely not. Do you have any broken glass we can eat to get this taste out of our mouths? Perhaps something dull and hard to ram with extreme prejudice into our tender thoraxes.

Its only the 4th and Julio Inglesias has raspingly wished us a panty dropping Feliz Navidad 20 times. Elvis, Boyz II Men and The New Kids recorded seasonal songs to exclusively pay for prostitutes, barbiturates and suede suits during the negative slope of their respective careers. Not really gifts the Three Wise Men toted.

Besides, encouraging Harry Connick Jr. only makes him seem more human and, trust us, this will be trouble in the long run.
We'll be the first to say it: HC2 is the definitely a seed of the Serpent. You see talent behind that thoughtless gaze. We only see monsterous wrath in those bangs.

We can only assume the Sunny studio is just a pale virgin named Tyler broadcasting from his sister's basement, so we're not pretending this letter will end up on the COO's desk at Cox. We'd just be neglegent if we didn't point out that Sunny is contaminating Houston with stronger pollutants than Dow Chemical.

Best Wishes,


*In 1990 we wrote a doctoral thesis entitled "Influences of Sea-level Rise on Tidal Inlets caused by the Wicked Game Video."

**Anything recorded by the group Wham! gets a pass on this website, due in part to the fact that "Careless Whisper" once saved our lives. A story we will never share, but haunts our every breath.


Anonymous said...

Careless Whisper saved your life. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

I don't even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I don't know who you are but definitely you are going to
a famous blogger if you aren't already ;) Cheers!

Look into my webpage :: madea quotes