Monday, September 21, 2009

Hang in there good citizens...

The Lords have taken a much-deserved hiatus over the past several weeks to celebrate nuptials, offend Asians on their home turf, and generally to recuperate from the meth-fueled sex romp that was our summer. We will return in good time with new stories of valor, advice for the deserving, and warnings for the unwary. In the meantime, to hold you over, now hear this:

This is not a political blog, but this healthcare debate has gotten our hackles up. We know that we're expected to reflexively weep giant salty tears of pity and grief whenever Anderson Cooper tells us that 40 million Americans have no health insurance. We know that we're supposed to hang our heads in self-immolating shame whenever we are reminded that some of those uninsured are - gasp - children!

But what about the children?!
But we are not persuaded. In fact, we find the voices on all sides of this seemingly interminable row to be shrill, uninformed, and generally without redeeming social value. So, in no particular order, here are the Lords' prescriptions for meaningful health care reform:
5. Sell Florida to the Indians. (Think Apu, not Cochise.) We'll ask for Goa, but we'll settle for 50 shares of Tata Motors and a poster of that chick from Slum Dog. Florida is America's wang, and we're gonna have to cut that thing loose to save the republic.
4. Sin tax on health insurance for smokers and the obese.
3. Exception to rule No. 4 for hot girls who smoke to stay thin. Puff away, babydoll, the Lords got your backside. Need a light?
2. Legalize abortion through the 15th trimester. How's that for late-term, Connor McWhinesalot?
1. No boner pills unless you present the girl to our self-appointed "sex panel." The Lords will decide whether your dip in the honeypot is worthy of our tax dollars.


Harms said...

Can I still eat Twinkies and drink Old Milwaukee?

Dick Swisher said...

If you do either of those things, you deserve a visit to the psych ward.

Diesel Burnes said...

That's bullshit, Dick. I see those legs, Harms. Eat a box of those Twinkies. Shit, eat two. And if you can kill an 18-pack of Ol' Mil, double kudos. Just watch the legs.