Friday, July 10, 2009

The Washington Avenue Drinkery

4115 Washington Avenue
(Formerly The Daily Grind)

Loyal Loopjects may have noticed that we don't give many positive reviews. Don't expect that to change now. The Lords have high standards, and besides, nice is never funny. (The combination of our biting wit and utter inability to resist the joke has wilted more budding romances than Carmen Electra has B-movie flops. Count 'em.) But we also always try to see the bright side of everything ITL, so in that spirit, we present The Drinkery.

Post time for happy hour was 6 pm. The office wife was late to the starting gate (two demerits), so we took the opportunity to inspect the premises. This joint is a one-room schoolhouse for learnin to love us some liquor. One big room, stained-wooden columns, not much seating, and techno music at happy hour. Huh? Did the Red Lion and Pearl Bar have a baby? And apart from the dormant internet jukebox in the corner -- trend application rejected -- there is nothing to do in this joint but imbibe the squeeze and observe the Loopdrones. (More on them in a moment.) So we ordered up a scotch to quench our Thursday Thirsties, and wandered out back to view the deck. Oops. Might be nice in November, but human skin ignites at 1,400 degrees. Can't risk it in July. Back to class for some lessons in sociology.

The Drones at the Drinkery are a bewildering mix of over-40s and under-the-age-of-appropriate-Lordmates. Not many students in our "target demographic," if you catch our drift. And the techno music playing in broad daylight on a Thursday had not yet whipped the class into a libidinous fervor. Shocking. So we had to content ourselves with studying the schoolmarm behind the bar, and we are pleased to report that this is one area where the Drinkery excels.

We brought our pencils, give us somethin to write on!*
The Drinkery did not invent the buxom bartender, but they might have perfected it. Sadly, they have not perfected how to serve an excellent cocktail. No disrespect meant to the teacher; our drinks were mixed perfectly. But they were served in oddly-mishapen, acrylic cups. Excuse me? Are we sitting poolside at the Bellagio? No? Then please serve our firewater in appropriate glassware. We don't know about you, but the tink-tink-tink of ice in an old-fashioned glass is soft, sweet music to ears worn down by the whining demands of the worklife. Plick-plick-plick is just not the same.

The Drinkery is young and has potential, but it doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up. Hipster hangout or chill spot to throw back with friends? For now, we reserve judgment.

* Not actual photo of Drinkery bartender. The Lords have respect for the ladies of the Loop. We took this photo of a random skank way way OTL. Nuff said.


K-Ham said...

Office Wife clearly needs a talking to!

Harms said...

How does one qualify to be an office wife? Where can I get an application?

Dick Swisher said...

Please direct all resumes, along with photos, letters of reference, and personal essay, to

Ed Wrath said...

The politically correct term is work spouse.

Diesel Burnes said...

Politically correct eats cock with a wide smile.