Please be advised

OTL: Canada, the new Dallas

The winds of corporate whoremongering have swept us north this summer season to pluck sticky revenue from cool mangroves and generally assault a different populous with our empty promises and emptier moral ground. We sell like a fat man breathes: hard and only when requisite.

Lords in Canada

Niagara Falls. We approach any immigration line with the same caution Papa Smurf would a slice of blueberry strudel. Since we tend to live our lives generally tight roping your laws, we run through a mental checklist each time an authoritative representative stands in our path or on the back of our head.

In this instance, our mask of innocence proves too translucent as we are asked to kindly take a sharp left and park where that officer is standing. A bearded Canuck tosses our Corolla whilst another asks us really an exorbitant number of questions. We've got a script for his answers and one for the purple drank they rooted out (thank you Dr. Stolenpad!). Fortunately the tender palmed border monkey didn't locate the key of dat sniff taped to a Christian infant in the spare tyre housing.

"No sir, we were unaware of the child's addiction. We blame the schools."

We ease into the stench-rich city of Hamilton, ON for our first meeting. Most of what we learned about sales and marketing can be traced back to Nelly's debut album Country Grammar, so our style's raw and we mack like Todd Shaw. Singing loud, we from the Loop and we proud

Here it goes. We hate our customers generally. every ounce of acting and Xanax is poured into our performance in front of them whilst we mentally plan for the Apocalypse when we'd have an excuse to track down and kill them; something which we imagine would be fun at first, but, like anything, eventually would turn into a tedious chore.

The Canadian flavor of fuckstomer has a specifically dallas taste. While polite, EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGTHING is about how great Canada is compared to the US. It's a miserable blend of insecurity and misplaced pride. "How do you like our highways? They were designed to simulate the German Autobon." Amazing. We're amazed. We get it, you've got smooth roads and free healthcare and cheap pills, we've got pocky streets, HMOs and lil JoJo's markup on grainy Vike.

It reminds us of our Dallas friends who indiscriminately hate Houston and claim everything for Dallas. Sports teams, sushi, chicks, nightlife, water, gay clubs, talk radio, cocaine, skyline, latitude are all shinier or less cut with baking soda in Dallas.

Canada meet Dallas, Dallas, Canada. You two can go fuck each other.

Monday Notes

1. Stephan and his Gang over at the Pantheon that is The Loop Scoop introduces you to Phil's Texas Barbecue on Washington. We're all for the addition of another BBQ estab in our circular hood, especially after getting blackballed from Beaver's for misdemeanor vulgarity and excessive puns.

2. The e-sperm recepticle known as Click2Houston is holding its election for best Houston Blog 2010. For the second straight year, your Lords of the Loop are left off the active ballot. It looks like our hard work and even harder deathwishes will be overlooked this annum; when you consider Click2Houston is the same organization that rated Taste of Texas Houston's best steak house in 2009, we're pleased with the unassociation.

3. Unless murdered by a released circus bear gone ravenous, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy plan to ruin House of Blues with their airborne brasscancer Friday night. That's a malady you just can't negotiate with Mentholatum salve. On a seriously bright note, Slum Thug and Friends* will be there Wednesday. And We Run......

...to find an angry beeeeaaaaarrrr.

4. Question of the Week: Outside of The Olive Garden, if you were forced to punch food in your face at ANY restaurant ITL once a day for the rest of your sad existence, which Houston locale would you choose?

*Friends (n.) - Bun B, XXL white t-shirts, bullets and Hi-C powder mixed with cocaine.

poker night, son

cunts with jack/two preflop raises
rod and a load of anti semitic phrases
the poker chips always get forgot
so Audi keys and barbiturates sit in the pot
stakes increase and senses get numb
it's midnight and Diesel has lost a thumb
vicodin antes and a master card bet
we play guts,anaconda and mexican sweat
carlos just wagered his fucking spouse
satan calls it with a monster full house
a few more pulls off that xanax and sprite
and surely someone is dying tonight

In Rod We Trust

The passage from mortal to God is reserved for only a select few. This metamorphosis is as violent as a 17th century offshore amputation, as rumored as the clitoris and as magical as the Malaysian textile industry.

Part of this shift is a maintenance of nature's fragile equilibrium, therefore:

One Lord lives, one Stranger dies.

The choice is up to you our friend

Please join us in welcoming your newest Lord:
Gen. Roderick Boxhammer

OTL: Captain D's Lethal Injection

During one of the least charming periods of our life spent harvesting revenue/profit/organs from this planet and its Sentian beings, we lived serious levies of hourglass sand in the satellite they call Sugar Land, TX. Even though we've cracked the egg from within of our career to soar far from that stretchy-pants never never, the occasions do arise when we must brave the mist and return to our oozy birthnest.

So we go to Sugar Land like once a week to monitor our goings-on and mentor the savagely retarded that work in a network of beaver holes near the haunted Imperial Sugar factory off HWY 90. Lunch options in SL are like choosing your own form of capital punishment: death is inevitable, you're just left deciding the quickest methodology. That's why we ALWAYS choose the aorta kickers at Captains D's Motherfucking Seafood Kitchen to fill our souls with delight and our hearts with breaded whitefish.

Every Tuesday, the benevolent Capt'n D opens his treasure chest to share a bounty of $10 all-you-can-eat cod. You can bet the The Jenny Jones Show will be on both 37 inchers, which is fine, since the iodine overexposure gives you the lobotomy required to enjoy such daytime television delights. Take care, because it's slippery. Look, you don't use peanut oil at that clip and not have a thin coating of shine lathered over everything in looking distance.

Just because our days in Sugar Land are long, doesn't mean our life needs to be.
Thanks matey!

Site of the Day: Bros Icing Bros

We simply can't condone this behavior, but we can't refuse it either. You were warned.

BROS ICING BROS

Top 10 Songs of the Alpha Male

10. Under My Thumb (The Rolling Stones)

It's down to me, the way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me, the change has come, she's under my thumb

9. Voices Carry (Til Tuesday)

He wants me, but only part of the time
He wants me, if he can keep me in line
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry

8. Untouched (The Veronicas)

I feel so untouched and I want you so much
That I just can't resist you, it's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now, need you so much
Somehow I can't forget you, I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

7. Boombastic (Shaggy)

I'm Boombastic rated as the best
The best you should get nothing more nothing less
Give me your digits jot down your address
I'll bet you confess when you put me to the test
I'm Boombastic say me fantastic touch me on my butt she says I'm Mr Boom...

6. Piece of My Heart (Janis Joplin)

Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night
Babe, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again

5. Magic Man (Heart)

"Come on home, girl" Mama cried on the phone
"Too soon to lose my baby yet, my girl should be at home"
But try to understand....try to understand.
Try, try, try to understand...
He's a magic man, Mama...ah...he's a magic man

4. Big Poppa (Notorious B.I.G.)

Who they attractin with that line, "What's your name what's your sign"
Soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind
And ask what your interests are, who you be with
Things to make you smile, what numbers to dial

3. Red House (Jimi Hendrix)

There's a red house over yonder, baby, that's where my baby stays.
Well, I ain't been home to see my baby in about ninety nine and one half days ...
I might as well go back over yonder, way back yonder 'cross the hill
'Cos if my baby don't love me no more, I know her sister will!

2. One Week of Danger (The Virgins)

Well is there something that you like about her? Yes.
I like the way that her body bends in half.
And is there something that you love about her? No.
There ain't a woman in this world I wont let go.

1. You're So Vain (Carly Simon)

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend

Nearly forty years later, people debate the identify of the barb-cocked lothario who inspired this tormented wailing. Well played, sir.

Such Great Washington Heights: scene 65

Such Great Washington Heights

Scene 65

We pull up to River Oaks Cleaners on Washington in a car full of fine linens & silk, like a modern day Marco Polo returning to the canals of Venice with fragrant curries and small brown slaves.

We heard Cova went out of business and recall on thoughts of what dildos the barstaff were the one time we overpaid for a small piece of Alexander Valley there. We make a silent wish that they are all struggling for rent money on this day and the next.

There is a budding line to the counter of ROC. A man in scrubs, our age, is sifting through most of his wardrobe with the accommodating Hispanic woman counting collars as he shuffles his Bugatchi shine from one edge of the Formica to the other. Separating him and us is a blond woman donning a pair of face swallowing sunglasses and badly wrinkled clothing of her own.

Woman leans back, quietly asks: Who dry cleans jeans?

Us back to the woman loud enough for all to hear: Probably someone who wears powder blue scrubs on their day off.
Woman, mockingly: Right

The scrubbed man, still rifling through his garb, turns to look at us with a sort of angered embarrassment. He turns back towards Hispanola and states his name and phone number.

Scrubs: Last name, ..., first name, Rayden.

Us to the room: We loved your work in Mortal Kombat.

And scene.

If you are interested in purchasing the entire Such Great Washington Heights manuscript, please contact our agent: Kurt Stingpenis at what!motherfuckers@stingpenisinc.com.

Saturday TStorm Haiku

say fuck the weather

electric pool opera

still swimin' lawya

Wednesday To Dos

Mondays are the infant-cooking bandersnatches that poke at our joysockets and taunt wrinkled slacks. We reserve Tuesdays for a jelly bean assortmant of stolen pilldrugs and general mid to high cap shoplifting. On Wednesdays we work. Don't believe, mira...

To Dos (5/11)

AM

- Two Sunrise breakfast taquitos and a med vanilla hazelnut coffee

- Call on a large healthcare account, listen to complaints about delivery/quality/attitude, pledge change/resolution/brimstone, take no actions

- Construct strategy to derail the May 21st occurings at Verizon Wireless Pampatheatre

"Hello critical mechanical failures, we'd like you to Meet Virginia."

- Draft dangerously threatening pay raise demand letter to boss, sign marketing horseface's name, stamp, mail

- 11:00 appointment with Gerri at Wachovia

a) apply for loan to market and manufacture our new product: The Odor Eracist*

b) don't mention her 6th digit and cleft tongue

c) DS to lather on the sexual charm if denied

- Remove hubcap outside nearby magnet school, replace with palm frons

PM
- Murder Bowl at BRC, two IPAs, no tip

- Nap like a sweet kitten

- Finish thesis entitled: The Relevance of Synthesized Xylophinic Melody in a post Billy Ocean Musical Landscape
- Pick-up ketchup bottle at Randalls on Shep, pull fire alarm, tell manager that little brother is still inside/missing, leave

- Try on blue dial, gold Submariner at Deutsch & Deustch, lord over the cunty sales goon by pretending to be filthy, hairchested Greek yachting tycoon, attempt purchase with Chevron card

Former first lady not included

- Put a cool bill on the 'Stros to beat the Retardinals (+245)
- Spend remaining afternoon squeezing aliquots of ketchup into various vending coin returns ITL, The Exact Change Bandit Lives Motherfuckers!
- Meet at Kay's or Branchwater or Kenneally's, torpedo senses with Scotch, lose keys, mock guy in khaki shorts & docksiders, find keys, swear revenge on Tommy Manzella, punch someone undeserving, sleep with foot on brake.

*Patent Pending

Weekend Review

Slow weekend at the Mansion
Sweet babies? Few
Time these Lords shall ponder
"Really? You?"

For brews there is Armandos
The fish tacos are divine
The Red Room shines with promise
But alas, it's only nine

Give it time, they say
And in walks the prey -- shiny, and new
But the bitch shields are steep like a castle keep
"Really? You?"

We will perservere
The battle is near
More scotch. More crown
More sarge. Get down

"For the price of a bottle
All this table can be yours"
"Um, fuck you, Jamison
Who needs these whores?"

Because the tennis is strong on the pirate ship
And we're VIP at the Mic. Sip Sip
Dont think for a moment that these Lords are through
You can't see us but we can see you

Loopalderdash

You choose the correct definition!

WAUGH is --

(1) Active ingredient in Bill White’s hair thickening shampoo;

(2) The maiden name of Webster’s biological mother;

(3) Title track of Snow Patrol’s latest Japanese bootleg release; or

(4) A dull flint tool used by Andy Roddick’s strength coach for encouragement.

Miss me? You can find me at the Red Room every Thursday night between 1 and 3 am.

Pennance

We slacked on our postings for a loooong, long time. Truth is, DB was in a coma from straining to play guitar using nothing but his cock. BB was in county for robbing a Licka Stoe. It took several months to convince the stoopid pigs that we own the Licka Stoe. EW had a six month internship as a gaffer with Vivid Video. Your own DS just returned from a peyote-infused vision quest in the remote jungles of Ecuador. And CV -- hell, no one's actually seen CV in six years. We just hear the war stories from the Washington Shore. "Did you see Carlos at Brixx last night? Mad mutha was going CRA-AAAZZZY."

But these are not excuses, and we acknowledge our sin. Even the Lords are not above the law -- well, except for Jude Law, obviously. We're above that shit sandwich like the frank's above the beans. But we're not above Man Law, and for our pennance, we are lifting our normal shroud of secrecy to share ten heretofore little-known facts about the Lords with our loyal Loopizens. This shit is explosive; please be discreet.

10. Bleach dies every night in his sleep. But he is always reincarnated as himself, only slightly better looking.
9. Diesel once bested a pack of West U collarpoppers using nothing but a hippie mind trick.

8. The water in Dick's pool is collected from the tears of baby unicorns. It heals what ails you, and increases penis size.

7. Ed has not eaten since 2005. He is nourished by the respect of men and the adoration of women.

6. Carlos bedded an entire pride of Palm Beach cougars in a single night. Those "ladies" still gather once a year to commemorate the last good rogering they ever will know.

5. Every Lord received more than 100,000 write-in votes for President in 2008.

4. When Diesel plays Monopoly, he never ever goes to jail.

3. OJ Simpson lives in Bleach's guest room. We call him Kato.

2. When Ed frowns, an earthquake happens. But every time he smiles, a kitten is born.
1. The Lords love things with seashells and seahorses on them, like blankets, and towels, and little bags.

Seahorses. Forever.

BRC Ain’t No Hen House

Cock-a-doodle-do! Like a Red Giant perched on the thoroughfare that is Shepherd Drive, BRC is the new celestial beacon of light in the life of the Lords. Yesterday evening we had the pleasure of bathing our bodies in Maytag blue cheese mac & cheese and gargling Dr Pepper-infused floats to our royal-hearts’ molted with delight. Not since the days of the Great Cockfight of ’67 deep in the slums of Quito has a bird come out fighting with such miraculous force.

Your crest and wattles are showing you dirty polygamous bastard

On track to be our go-to nesting place, this divine eatery fails to disappoint in any aspect. The walls are coated in divine red velvet ecstasy and the fine leather seats offer a free hand job with every dessert. Paradise awaits you if you aren’t chicken shit.

Congratulations to Jeff, Lance, Shepard and Lee on your newest grand champion cluck-cluck.

State of the Gene Pool - Spring Fever Edition

Spring is here, and we're out on parole. The weather in H-Town is nothing short of orgasmic. We erupted like Eyjafjallajökull just glancing at the crytal pool this morning. Fortunately we fuck like the Man from Fire Mountain, so that's only an appetizer. No, not even; an amuse-bouche.

Amuse-bouche? Amuse-douche, also known as every single night on the Washington Shore. Coming soon to a NOX near you: Dancing With the Bores. What did you say honey? We can't hear you over the oontz oontz and the din of braying goomba. Hey bro -- do you speak retard? We said, do you have a playa card -- wink at the baby, wink at the baby -- cause we don't think you're allowed to wear that t-shirt without one. Can we borrow your friend? There's this really cool trick she needs to see. Hey baby, buy us a drink. Swoop -- and scene.

Next Wednesday is Spanko de Mayo. Three things you'll need to celebrate Lord-style: (1) an attitude the size of a BP oil slick; (2) a spanking device of your own choosing (we like a wooden spoon, but a bare hand will work if you cup it just so); and (3) a pocketful of excellence! No jimmies allowed. We call that improving the gene pool one swoop at a time!

Peace out playaz.

Bonus quote of the week: Every time a fat chick manages to get laid, god smites a kitten. By sitting on it.

Hot Tub Time Machine

Just a hunch, but we think this could be the next Bill and Ted's EA.

Chlorine killz it every time!

To the Valet Guy at Block7

The Lords of the Loop, along with its loyal followers, would like to offer you a collective, "Go fuck yourself!" You are the supreme ruler of all things that are the color orange and have a cone-like shape.



Congrat-u-fuckulations! Now move that shit out of my way so I can park my own fucking car. Keep your greasy, little paws to yourself and off of our luxury foreign automobiles.

Choose your own Loopventure: Nazi Fun

So we're fucking around at work on Craigslist, when we came across this...

"Hello selling lots of military items us uniforms ww2 and newer about seven uniforms lots of badges on them also one original nazi banner very large will take 2,200 for all flag alone is worth at least 1,200 i paid 1,500 for the uniform alone over ten years ago. i also have lots of barn collectibles old saws one large cross cut several oil lamps, several cotton scales and other old scales i have over 1,000 in these items which i have collected around 15 years if you know how to ebay you can almost double your money i will take 2,800 for the whole lot. call me if interested 409 682 5634"

Did someone say barn collectibles? We decided to email our new friend in League City:

Dear Sir, we are very interested in your antique saws and other WW2 fanfare, are they still available? Can you give the estimated size of the uniforms? We are a 42 Long, any chance they will fit? How big is the flag (dimensions)? - Mr. Brown, inside the loop

His response in a day:

Mr. Brown, yes they are still available. the uniforms very [yes, we know] in size so you will need come and try them out. the flag is about 10X12'. please come look.

Us:

Great! 10X12 would make for great bed sheets for our son, he's a bit of a history buff. We'll bring a pick-up truck to get the antique barn treasures. Please have all these fine things out and available for viewing and ultimately transport. We assume $2,800.00 USD in cash is fine. We'll be down in LC on Saturday, we will call around lunch time.

His response this morning:

I don't appreciate waiting for your call all day saterday. I have the collectable all ready for you to pick up. Are you still interested?

CHOOSE YOUR OWN LOOPVENTURE

We could:
(a) Truck down to League City with $2,800 in cash, try on all the uniforms, take pictures with the flag and get cold feet at the last moment.
(b) Email back that we are still interested, then email under a different CL user name and start a Fuhrious bidding war.
(c) See if he'll drive the stuff up and give him an address to a quaint home in the 5th Ward.
(d) Don't mess with a man in possession of ancient barn saws and Nazi flags, go get some low-cal Berripop instead.

You decide

Alpha Rev - New Morning

We spent the better part of a decade inhaling drugs with AR's bass player, though are surely not the only ones. This is their new Coldplay rip. Strong.

Keep up the good work!

Notes from the Never Never

Our weekly two hours of work are being put to the ultimate test as it's Quarterly Sales Meeting time, cuz! Can we get a fucking siren please!We're upchucking our miserable 2009 fortunes on to 16 digital slides and tomorrow we'll throw a nickel in the spaceship ride outside the Alpha Beta of our minds, as we stand in front of our peers and superiors wishing for simpler times.

Our 2010 sales bridge is fashioned from spider webs and soggy crackers. We'd likely strike a greater impression if instead we quickly ejacutate on a frisbee and hurl it into the crowd.

"Our 2010 forecast can best be described by Peter Gabriel in his song Big Time. Enjoy."

Peter Gabriel - Big Time
Uploaded by bebepanda. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

"Alright. Any questions?"

Work tomorrow. Scotch tonight/ It beckons...

Wednesday Wrap

So we just barely gutted enough trout last year to keep our jobs on the kill floor of respective firms/companies/snakepits and in an effort to spin back into our normal lives of not being a child eating troll to capitalism we're here to tell you the goings on in your town and ours...

1. The Branch Water Tavern opened up a few months ago and since a broom stick through our mail slot pokes this touted establishment in the short ribs, we couldn't refuse paying handsomely for slices of undercooked duck served over minute grits. They have a large collection of brown liquior, though how they intend on using it seems up for debate.

2. We received funding for our new project where we rent out dogs for the day/weekend to people who like the idea of a mutt but cant keep to a heartworm schedule. Be on the look out for LOTL's Pimpa Bitch in your neighborhood. 3. House of Blues intends to host the reunion of the Goodie Mob tomorrow night and just in time for MLK Day. We'll be there. Now, if the despotic overlords at HOB could lure New Edition back together, we'd die happily.

4. Sorry ladies, Colt McCoy is engaged.

5. Historically Damaging Fact of the Week:
Florence Nightingale did not subscribe to germ theory and was also a serial nymphomaniac. She used filthy, filthy sex to heal dying solders during the Crimean War. This is fact.

Take it from FloNite and spread your meds!

Happy Wednesday Motherfuckers!

Happy New Year Bitches

The Loop awoke this morning to a cold new reality -- the depeest freeze it has seen since Beyonce broke up Destiny's Child. Basic city services have ground to a halt as the gray-collar serfs scurry off to drain their pipes and wrap their plants in swaddling clothes. The beggars and bums have all gone home, toasty and warm in their 2/2 bungalows, heated with the dimes and dollars of naïve Houston motorists. Down at the 'Fold, the nipples on Sweet Caroline and her friends have grown hard as -- well, not hard at all actually. Those nipples haven't been sensitive to environmental stimuli since Clinton was in the White House. But you get the point. It's fucking cold.

-

As for your Lords, we take this arctic blast for what it obviously is -- an ominous sign portending doom for the year that lies ahead. We woke up confused to find an empty bed, universal health care, and a hot tub encased in ice! What the what? If we'd wanted that, we would have stayed at Harvard. Something obviously went awry in the blackout we like to call … the second half of 2009. Judging from the meth pipes and nitrous balloons strewn around the living room floor, we hosted Burning Man. Hope we had fun.

Do we need a permit for this?

So here's to starting a New Year inside the Loop. The Horns didn't win, but with a little luck, the Rockets will make the playoffs, the I-10/I-45 interchange will return to normal, and the new mayor will lez out with Victoria Osteen on the set of Great Day Houston.

Za tebya, comrades. Let's fuckin win in 2010.

Our Fever

It's only getting hotter...

Goosebumps are normal.

Terrence Cody's mother is a ball return in a southeastern Mississippi LazerBowl. The height difference between Texas WR Malcolm Williams and Bama CB Javier Arenas can be measured in Nick Sabans.

We're going to get nasty with it. See you in LA.

Definition: WALK OF PRIDE (n.)

Walk of Pride (n.) (1) Departure by a young lady from the home of a Lord in the early morning hours. (e.g., She took a long walk of pride after exiting the home of Dick Swisher following an eye-opening night of coitus.) Antonym: Walk of Shame. Especially appropriate when a group of cougars exits a lair together, as in a pride of cougars.



Own it in 2010 bitches!

Happy New Year's!