Sunday, July 19, 2009

Here, Kitty, Kitty: Cougar Evolution ITL 101

For far too long now, the term Urban Cougar, or simply cougar, has been tossed around too casually and without proper focus. It's often used in an incorrect manner, thus causing potential prey to become befuddled as tiger-horny men stagger forward through the night with a mischaracterizations of nocturnal felines taped to a Post-It note on the inner-wall of their skulls. With this helpful explanation below, you will not only be able to properly identify women falling into their respective places on the urban-cat evolutionary chart, you will be able to take this new-found knowledge and use it your strategic advantage to obtain an invitation back to her lair or repel, if so desired, using the proper safe guards.
It's a Labrynthian Atlas of feline maturation at your fingertips*

*As a disclaimer, although many of these species are broken down and defined, to some extent into age-specific phylums, by falling into one of these age ranges does not necessarily place you into one of these specifically defined orders. First and foremost, these groupings are attitude driven, so the age ranges are more of a guide than a rule.

Kitten - Any pre-pubesecent girl looked sexually upon by pedofiles, dweebs, Joel Osteen or R-Kelly.

Jaguar - Any fertile woman who desires a man that has no desire to procreate or settle down. Such creatures typically exhibit the general estrogen-laced attitudes of females by complaining about how human men really don't do anything else in life except for playing video games and fist bumping other members of their wolfpack. As a whole, this creature stalks its prey at a regular non-specific drinking establishments and rarely acts "desperate".

Bobcat - Most often falls into an age range of 26 to 39. Has had at least one long term alliance with a member of the opposite sex. Emanates a larger degree of attitude than a kitten but less desperation than a cougar. May also camouflage themselves as a peahen, gathering with other peahens in synergistic forces to bitch about other peahens roosting too close to their nest. Warning: Sexual desire may just be a mask for their soul mate search. Men, stay focused on the task at hand, which is intercourse not suicide. Cuddling is not usually an option but a requirement. Fuck that.

Cougar - The big Panthera. The center of the cat kingdom. Age range most commonly falls between 39 and 54. These testosterone carnivores target young men inside the Loop between the ages of 18 and 33. Silverbacks need not apply. They aren't interested in money or cars. They want one thing: Your cock in and around their mouth. Typical lairs include Moe's Steakhouse, The Remington at St. Regis, and Uptown Tasting Room. Enter at your own risk. Claws only, no house cats here.

Saber-tooth - Just too fucking old to really be in the game. Drier than the Mojave desert. Officially brought back from extinction with the aid of KY's lubricating jelly. Pros: May have a bevy a cash and could be a potential geriatric sugar mama. If you can secure a spot in her will, you may have it made, because she's roamed the Earth for nearly a 100 years now and the end is near.

Repellants for any potential undesirable feline attackers: (a) shots of vinegar (b) moth-ball cologne (c) face urination (d) pre-ejaculation (e) boat shoes (f) baldness (g) gold chains (h) a sense of responsibility (i) curfews (j) school (k) political discussions


Anonymous said...

Don't forget Sullivan's Ringside. Meow.

Anonymous said...

So unoriginal. Dated and catty. Yawn.

Ed Wrath said...

Way to put yourself out there anonymous. Please point us to your oh-so-creative and witty blog so we can jerk off to it.

Anonymous said...

Just because you can't date anything but a kitten doesn't mean you need to lash out against all feline phenoms.

Anonymous said...

As if there were any doubt that a woman thought that the post was "unoriginal". Somebody must have swallowed too much catnip. For the record, E.Wrath is dating a Jaguar.

Anonymous said...

Which group is characterized by not reading footnotes?

Anonymous said...

does anyone have the link to the erin andrews video?

Anonymous said...

yes, please post your e-mail and we will send it to you.

Anonymous said...

EA is one fine bobcat. Me-fucking-ow.