Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Looporons: Man Jewelry

Quick turtle. Chaste hooker. Virtual reality. Do any of these oxymoronic things actually exist? Unfortunately for the rest of us, there's something we've noticed lately gripping the stylistic tendencies of countless Loopdrones. Despite its incongrous nature this epidemic has infiltrated the Loop in an unwelcomed way. The giant pink elephant inside the Loop that everyone is thinking about, but has failed to acknowledge: MAN JEWELRY. Say what? That's right, you heard us. And it's not just the Jabronies any more. It's your neighborhood BerriPop servers, your local Subway sandwich artist, and even your company's IT guy.
Your shit's so shiny it's like staring into a thousand suns.

WTF is man jewelry? Man jewelry is any metal object adorned by a heterosexual male. Notable exceptions are obviously a watch or a wedding ring. The watch is acceptable because it serves a functional purpose. Although many of you jack-holes have been wearing some the size of Smart Car tires lately. The wedding ring is your license to get laid (at least once a week, we hope). Anything else is unacceptable. Class rings past high school? (Whoop!) No. Dog tags? You are not G.I. Joe. You did not participate in Wrestlemania III and you're name is not Junkyard Dog. Thumb rings? Jesus, we don't even know what to say. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Your man card has officially been revoked.

Other questions you may ask yourself to determine whether it is permissive to stray beyond the scope of our general rules:

Are you Brett Michaels?

Do you have a medical condition that requires you to alert other to said medical condition?

Do you write or perform rap songs for a living?

Is your first name Sigfried or Roy?

Do you rule the Kingdom of Zumunda?

Have you or any of your direct relatives ever been involved in organized crime, i.e. The Mafia.

Are you a member of the armed forces?

Are you a Thundercat?

If you fail to answer in the affirmative for any of the above-referenced questions, please step away from the metallic ornamentation and then go jump in front of a Metro bus on Allen Parkway. Say hi to MJ!

The Lords


hedrives said...

Thank you. I was worried I was the only one disturbed by this.

Jen said...

Too funny! The same douche in our office who tucks in his Hawaiian shirt and stretches at Harms' desk is a repeat offender. His man card was revoked when he wore deck shoes and tapered jeans.

kin kade said...

This makes me want to put on my Slayer armband because it makes the fat guy with the corvette disturbed.

Tabitha said...

That's awesome. Even a watch can be questionable. Especially a Rolex.

Dick Swisher said...

Don't tell anyone ... I am a ThunderCat.