Saturday, March 28, 2009

LordsTALK - Jebus T. Tebow

Loopdrones - we're back with another edition of LordsTALK and we are thrilled to welcome his holiness Mr. Tim "Savior" Tebow to the depths of hell, we mean Houston.

Our Tebow, who art in heaven.

TT: It sure is hot in here. Is it just me? And it smells funny too.

LORDS: That's the smell of our sins, Timmy.

TT: So, anyone in here need saving? I just saved a tribe in Tonga last week on my spring break with a bunch of handshakes and high fives. It took me about half an hour. Then I bench pressed a cart full of oxen to celebrate. One-handed.

LORDS: Tell us Super T, you've never done anything wrong in your life before? At least other than that personal foul call in the National Championship game last January... Some have even described you as "Christ-like" or the Messiah. Churches in Ghana use your sweat to baptize new members.

TT: Aside from that trip to Vegas where I snorted enough Angel Dust to kill a large elephant and Percy and I gave that Tahitian call girl the double stuff up her business, no I've never actually committed a sin. Jesus died for our sins anyway, so as long as we ask for forgiveness, we will always have a place in my, I mean, the Lord's heavenly kingdom.

LORDS: Tell us a little more about yourself.

TT: I was immacuately conceived in the womb of my mother, the virgin Carrie, in a small town outside Gainsville now know as Bethlehem, Florida. On the night of my birth, three wise ESPN commentators brought forth gifts of fearlessness, an unbreakable will, and a rigged Heisman poll. When I was 13 months old I etched the Footprints poem into the side of my crib with my Dad's Bowie knife. I have the foresight of a tarot card reader and the tenaciousness of a badger on a speed ball. I've never lost a game before, I've only run out of time.

LORDS: Besides convincing the children of the world that Jesus died for your national championships, what do you in your spare time for fun?

TT: Last week I painted Bible verses on the foreheads of homeless transients in the park. It's my new Paint the Pagans campaign. If they fail to convert after standing next to me, I pile drive them like an Oklahoma linebacker until they do. So far we've converted 718,436 hobos. This afternoon I'm showing Rick Perry and Greg Abbott how to bake gluten-free cookies iced with "I heart Jesus." It just doesn't get any better than my life. I love me some me.

LORDS: And so does everyone else. We also hear they've erected a new plaque of your speech from last season at the Florida football stadium.

TT: That's what Jesus told me last night during my bed time prayers, but I've been too busy to check out the plaque. I've been busy doing a lot of ministering everywhere possible so I haven't been back to campus much.

LORDS: We know what Tebow would do, but what would Tebow not do?

TT: I would not fail to turn water into Gatorade if my team was down at half time. I would not let any east Asian Christians name theirs sons after something other than me. I would most certainly not admit to Gator fans about having sex with a bunch of Florida State co-eds. And I would never fail to let an ABC college football audience that I love Jesus more than any thing else in the world.

LORDS: Even unprotected sex?

TT: No comment.

There is only one Golden Rule. Do as Tebow does.

Thanks for joining us on LordsTALK. Jesus Tebow, gradulations, you may now save the rest of the world.

1 comment:

hedrives said...

doGdamn, that's some funny shit. If only one professional athlete would say in a post-game interview, "I'd like to thank the mewling dogs of Bandar who guard the gates of Satan's temple for giving me the strength to perform today. Tha's why you see me point down after I spike de' ball. Praise doG."