Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Rise of the Houston Jabroni

Jabroni (n) – derived from Jabronious douchebagorous

Language of origin – slang

(1) A nocturnal young man, often overly-tanned and tattooed, who chooses to wear sunglasses in dimly lit places and men’s jewelry and exudes much unneeded attitude in effort to feign an elevated place in society.

For some time now, we at the Loop have become greatly concerned about the plague that has recently come upon us, namely the arrival of the Jabroni to the Houston area. Many ask, “What exactly is a Jabroni?” Well if it isn’t clear from the above-provided definition, let me provide you with demonstrative Exhibit A:

For a full explanation, click on the video below – if you dare:

He's right, Lloyd Carr is a fucking Jabroni.

What is the origin of such a creature? Many believe that the source of this feral beast can be traced back to the upper downtown area of none other than the pretentious city to north of us, Dallas. Our concern here is that this depraved creature will attempt to alter the night life we have come to know and love in Houston. You may say, what’s the trepidation here? Well, before we know it, Jabroni gang wars will cause the undesirable spilling of hair product and Axe body spray into our beloved streets. At will, Jabronis will steal our women with their impressive calf implants and 3 series BMWs. Sure, they may only be brave enough to venture into Midtown at this point, but what’s next? Upper Kirby? The Heights? Can you imagine what a gaggle of Jabronis would do at The Tasting Room on a Friday night? That’s right – pretty soon they’ll be encouraging everyone that it’s OK to mix that $48 bottle of Pinot Noir with a little Red Bull – what’s the harm, you say? And it gives you a little kick. Pretty soon we are all Jabroni clones accepting that men shouldn't be embarrased to wear mascara and True Religion jeans. And we'll all have "nicknames" like Val and C.J. endeavoring to entice young ladies back to our apartment for an Irish Haystack. They might have credit card debt larger than some Eastern European countries, but real Jabronis know that spending that $200 they never had on t-shirt from Neiman Marcus was worth it. Otherwise, that inebriated community college student wouldn't have ever spotted them in the bar, let alone agree to that spontaneous hand job in the girl's bathroom at the Drake.

Who say’s it’s not cool to talk shit or start a fight with a guy just because you thought he looked at you funny? Not we, say the Jabronis. Well, we will no longer support such a movement. We are hereby throwing our resources into halting this tidal wave of ridiculousness by boycotting the following establishments, which are known breeding grounds of Jabroni gang activity: The Roof, Citizen Lounge, and Red Door.
No longer will we have to worry about catching a fleeting glimpse of an inappropriate male tramp stamp, an arm band tattoo, or a strategically tilted baseball cap. Free of thumb rings, Jager bombs, and popped collars we will be.

Should you or any of your friends, come across a Jabroni outside of the aforementioned establishments, please immediately call 9-1-1 and report this activity to the proper authorities. We can halt this pestilence, if we work together.

Lords of the Loop
Promoters of a Jabroni Free World

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You know I was waiting for someone to o a PSA about this plague. Thank you for serving The Houston Area!