Sunday, February 8, 2009

Population Control Inside the Loop

The Lords gathered at the Mexican miracle on Kirby to imbibe some frosty cervezas and participate in a lively round-table discussion of the latest and greatest methods of birth control utilized by the yuppies of the Loop. First, as a caveat, there is no scientific proof whatsoever that any of the following methods are actually effective.

Undoubtedly one of the most common situations fertile young male Loopers encounter is the conundrum of averting the impregnation of that dirty-thirty-year-old whom you brushed up against on the way to the little boy's lavatory. Sure, she had been pouring buttery nipple shots down her throat at her roommate's bachelorette party. And you had just consumed the better part of an embargoed Cuban cigar given to you by your work spouse, but your sexual target lives in Katy, so why not get it on in the backseat of your X5 rather than drive way outside the beltway?

Unfortunately, the condom you had stashed in your glove compartment in 2003 for that MBRE post-ethics exam romp with the quiet girl in the back from your Fed Tax class had gone bad. She had insisted on taking it back door to preserve her technical virginity status so there was no need for the condom, but the expiration date was now 752 days past-due and was as crusty as the Longhorns' running game last season.

Back to the X5 and no condom. Thanks to the Lords, we now have a myriad of conception-prevention options.

1. The Rhythm Method - One of the most popular, yet seemingly misunderstood and quite confusing birth control approaches, is undoubtedly The Rhythm Method which could be accomplished by doing any of the following:

a. Playing Miami Sound Machine at high decibel volumes so that the sperm become so confused they don’t know which direction to swim. Think of sonar and beached wales. Without a doubt, our go-to track of choice is this:

b. Keeping the Beat (a/k/a, “Beat It”) - Another misunderstood variation of TRM is the use of a four or eight count beats to time the gyration of your CK One diluted sweat-covered bodies. The goal is to prevent from moving too quickly to excite each other to the point of creating a symbiotic environment for the fusion of gametes. That's fancy speak for when sperm fuses with an ovum to make a baby sea monkey. If a nearby friend is around, his newly purchased bongos from eBay might come in handy.

c. Pulling-out - This is really just a euphemism for TRM for you Loopers. In the end, if you don’t pull out prior to releasing your Scud missiles inside her Temple of Doom, the eggo will be preggo. Trust, us she’d much rather prefer an archipelago of your snow all over her thorax than having to contact the Attorney General's office to name you as one of their top five most wanted for failure to pay child support.

So we can maintain our 501(c)(3) status and make this somewhat educational, please see a complete description of the Rhythm Method here:

If you actually practice any of the above, you will assuredly end up like this guy:

Damn, Adam must have been one horny fellow.

2. Hot tubs - Yes, chlorine kills it and will thwart any chance from pollinating her stamen. Please be careful in group situations so as not to dilute the potency of the sperm murdering cleaning agent.

3. Gravity - If you have her on top, it is a well-known fact that sperm cannot swim against Earth’s gravitational pull. So if you have to release your load prior to withdrawing your cannon, make sure your pistol is facing north toward the sky.

Thank you, Sir Isaac.

As a bonus, we also suggest utilizing a zip-lock baggie in lieu of a Trojan; however, this technique hasn’t been employed since the infamous spring break trip of ’87 in Anahuac at Grandma’s ranch house. For a secure seal, the bags with the "yellow and blue make green" gimic are preferred.

Saran Wrap and Wax paper are far less superior alternatives

To close the Loop, yes, we did end up scoring with her. Twice. Outside in the parking lot of Volcano. No, we didn’t use roofies. Those frozen screw drivers work just fine.

1 comment:

Bleach Brown said...

I though TRM was sex next to a snare drum. All these years...