Tuesday, April 28, 2009

We're Sorry

Sincerest apologies for the trickle of posts recently. Here's a quick rundown of our excuses:

1. D. Burnes stole an industrial margarita machine from Cafe Adobe and has been experimenting with a new organic frozen called The Spermtacular.
2. A dolphin bit our penis at Seaworld when we were 13. All heeled, but we saw the title sequence to Flipper on ABC Family at the dentist and spent the next two days in a closet.
3. We heard that Maroon 5 was putting out a new single and so we had to put a stop to that. You're welcome!
4. Did you see Where the Heart is (2000)? Carlos did and is now pregnant and living in CostCo.
5. Our boss sent us to Grand Rapids, MI. We got our hopes up, because the joined words Grand and Rapids makes us think of a drenched Meryl Streep in The River Wild. The truth is, Grand Rapids smells and looks exactly like a wet John C. Reilly.
Forced to choose, we would have preferred a wet Kevin Bacon...
6. E. Wrath has reportedly proposed marriage to a plate of gnocchi at Catalan on Washington. So a robust flavorful congratulations to the happy couple.
7. Our design for an automobile that runs on sadness has reached a tipping point and so we've been reading Where the Red Fern Grows to a class of 4th graders and collecting their sorrow in a crystal decanter.

We know that you'll accept our apology, but in case you don't, we brought a gift
Peter Cetera - Glory of love

Lean away from the screen, so as not to melt your face.


Harms said...


Diesel Burnes said...

No, damnit, it's not the spermtacular, it's the burnesticullar...classier.

Bleach Brown said...

Both will no doubt be made with extra pulp.